The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
