Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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