I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
