the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
