So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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