I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
