I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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