I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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