I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
