what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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