I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
