im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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