So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize