Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
