Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
foreskin is a definite game changer
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
