This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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