I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
