who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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