No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
