If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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