drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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