I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
