I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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