FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
