I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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