The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
