Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
