so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize