we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
