I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
