I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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