i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
