Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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