I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
