come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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