ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I think I am morally bankrupt
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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