Rock
Scissors
Fuck
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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