im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
