I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
