I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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