Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
