look no pants
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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