i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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