I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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