I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
