how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
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