Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
