A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
