i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
