yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
