I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
