Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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