found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
