a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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