shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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