sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
