Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
