You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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