I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
