I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
